I'm so glad you know

But I understand that feelings are what they are regardless

We can keep saying and knowing and hope it sinks in

I have some of those fears too
and some completely different ones

I'm afraid of hurting you
the way he did
and in other ways
I'm afraid things I've done mean I can't love
or I can but it won't matter if I can't be peaceful enough

I'm afraid of physically hurting you in my sleep
I'm afraid of emotionally hurting you if I can't get out of my own head
I'm afraid of being a weapon

I'm afraid you'll die or disappear
I'm afraid my fear of that puts too much pressure on you
if the only way of coping with that I can imagine is to follow you

I'm afraid that the intensity of what I feel is trauma-bonding or infatuation
or that in the absence of the Rebellion, I've shifted my need to believe and serve over to you
because if it faded, what a betrayal of you that would be

I'm afraid that ways I was unhappy in my marriage were all me after all and I may carry them through to you

I'm afraid of talking about my past too much and giving you the exact feelings you described

But I'm not afraid of describing my past and finding something you can't forgive, and that's remarkable

and I think sharing this was right
and that's remarkable too