Yup. Alright, kick me if I'm too condescending. [He's just gonna explain this as if to a child. He's not used to covering the basics.]

Most importantly, this is your king. He's pretty much useless, but you lose him, you lose the game, so protect him. The queen's the most powerful, but she's also obvious, lacks subtlety. [He goes on to describe the different pieces and moves, without being too much of an asshole about it, shockingly.] So, white or black?